Build 3142320

Victory speechNew

• +The successful contract killer you see before you... was once a scared child.
• +For our underprivileged youth, I propose an afterschool "backstabbing camp".
• +Better for them to learn a trade than kill each other on the streets.

Victory speechNew

• +Over the years, I've listened to so many of your problems from behind a bar.
• +Now, it's my time to step out and live for myself.
• +Uh, I don't think you get what's happening here.
• +...Do you people understand that this podium is not a bar?
• +I think I need a drink.

Victory speechNew

• +We Cannibals have had our differences with y'all, but I'm extending a peace offering.
• +My family and I would like to offer everyone some of our famous barbecue ribs.
• +Ye-- no.
• +Yes.
• +No.

Victory speechNew

• +Hey hey out there! Great crowd, great crowd!
• +So how 'bout those derpy derps, eh? Pretty derpy! Derpy derpidy derp!
• +Laugh, or I'll have you waterboarded!

Victory speechNew

• +Citizens, I regret to tell you that our criminal justice system is inherently flawed!
• +Everywhere I go, I see people beaten with batons for the smallest of crimes!
• +And I ask you this, from the bottom of my heart...
• +...Where is our machine gun budget???

Victory speechNew

• +Let me start off by saying that there is way, WAY too much violence in this city.
• +I have no idea how any of us have reached adulthood. It makes zero sense.
• +Be honest, how many of you have murdered someone in the last half hour?
• +Well could you cut that out? It would really help me as new mayor.
• +I think I'm gonna like this whole "mayor" thing.

Victory speechNew

• +I propose mandatory replacement of the word "gang" with the word "troupe".
• +Who's ever heard of killing an opposing "troupe" member? It's nonsense!
• +Side note, please don't start performing improv comedy, it's still punishable by death.

Victory speechNew

• +First order of business, I propose replacing the color red with the color blue.
• +In a roundabout way, this would eliminate our gang warfare problems.
• +Or we could replace them both with a more neutral "fuchsia".
• +Look at the progress we're making already!

Victory speechNew

• +My fellow citizens, today I stand before you humbled and grateful.
• +And... oh my, you haven't a clue what I'm saying, do you?
• +....Smell my gorilla farts, you dumb humans!
• +OOK OOK, MOTHER#$^&!!

Victory speechNew

• +Alright, let's get down to business, you stupid tech-illiterate peons!
• +Five years prison for wedgies, death penalty for purple nurples!
• +Ha, allow me to drop a red pill on y'all...
• +You live in MY universe now! BOOM!

Victory speechNew

• +WOO! I won! I'm the $^$@& mayor! I never felt so alive!
• +Party in my new house right after this speech!
• +Who's ready to be a golden god with me??
• +Oh. Um... Thank you, I appreciate your concern.

Victory speechNew

• +I promise a chicken in every pot, and a man cave in every garage!
• +Free wedgies for all nerds! NEEEEERRRRDS!!!!
• +Yeah! And most importantly, a ban on all video games not entitled Madden '07.
• +I... really miss 2007.
• +High school was the last time I remember being happy.

Victory speechNew

• +Gang violence. Taxes. Climate change. These are all great threats to society.
• +However, I'd like to use my platform today to speak on a bigger concern...
• +...Gorillas.
• +I am hereby banning bananas, which I am 100% sure will result in their starvation.
• +Hey, it's science... and I'm a scientist, baby.

Victory speechNew

• +Foolish Earthlings! You've allowed me to infiltrate your ranks and become your superior!
• +Thank you for allowing me to access and control your frail, meaty bodies!
• +But I couldn't have done it without my own personal Shapeshifter.
• +Are you getting what I'm saying?
• +It's the player. The player is the Shapeshifter controlling me.
• +Ooooooooh, so meta!

Victory speechNew

• +As a small business owner, I fully understand the plight of the working class!
• +So I'd like to offer all my new constituents a 5% discount at my shop in the Slums!
• +Um... make it 10% and I'll throw in a week-old bacon cheeseburger.

Victory speechNew

• +As your mayor, I will be starting the new "Slave Helmets for All" initiative.
• +Whoa, don't worry, it's not what it sounds like.
• +It just means that everyone will become my slaves, and if you act up, your head will explode.

Victory speechNew

• +I started from the very bottom, and now look where I am!
• +But was it worth all the death,destruction and petty thievery?
• +I may never be absolutely sure, but at least I can say the following with certainty...
• +I never read anyone's emails.

Victory speechNew

• +Citizens, my journey has been long and arduous, and I've seen so many atrocities...
• +Many of which I've committed. Possibly toward your friends and family.
• +But I stand firm in my belief: Guns don't kill people....
• +...And this is a huge problem. We need artificial intelligence in our guns.

Victory speechNew

• +Folks, pickpocketing is hard work. So I am issuing a new ruling...
• +Back pants-pockets must meet strict "floppiness" requirements.
• +Everyone will be issued a complimentary pair of parachute pants.

Victory speechNew

• +Look I get it, I'm a vampire, I suck your blood, you don't like me.
• +But here's a thought: Do you really NEED that blood?
• +Think about it! I'm JUST ASKING QUESTIONS!

Victory speechNew

• +Everyone listen up, I have a confession... I'm secretly a Werewolf.
• +Take me or leave me, it's who I am. Gosh it feels good to say that.
• +But I just have one question for you all...
• +...Does anyone know of a good groomer?
• +I'm definitely going to maul most of you.

Victory speechNew

• +Your champ has arrived! Bringing the force, the heat, the CHANGE!
• +Who out there is gonna stay out of trouble and eat their broccoli???
• +I CAN'T HEEEAR YOUUU!!!
• +No seriously, I have tremendous hearing loss from my injuries in the ring.

Victory speechNew

• +Citizens: Under my rule, I'll be making a number of important changes.
• +For starters, you will all be required to learn the language of Zombie.
• +Here's how to say "hello":
• +Unghhhhhhh.
• +Now you try it!
• +....Close enough.

The mayoral election

• +...the scrappy newcomer!

The mayoral electionNew

• +It's done.

Other lines

• +You're the best!